Tuesday, March 01, 2016

Diaries of Dogs and Cats

Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.  Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Idiots.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously impaired.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

Daddy's Rules of Dating



  1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
  2. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. 
  3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. 
  4. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "Early." 
  5. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 
  6. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 
  7. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. 
  8. Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. 
  9. Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Complexity of Reading - Amazing

Amzanig! 

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.  Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. 



Amzanig huh?

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Clever Definitions

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.

Subdued ...like a guy, like, who works on one of those Attack Submarines.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Church Signs


  1. This is a ch __ __ ch. What is missing?
  2. Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins.
  3. Where will you be sitting in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
  4. The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
  5. Can’t sleep? Try counting your blessings.
  6. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
  7. You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out.
  8. Come in for a faith lift.
  9. Aspire to inspire before you expire.
  10. Under same management for over 2,000 years.
  11. Try Jesus. If you don’t like him, the devil will always take you back.

Children’s Comments

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a  whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a  whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”  
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"  
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". 

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom  of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."  
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what  God looks like."  
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to  treat our brothers and sisters?" 
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill.”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,  "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"  
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do  something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."  
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the  teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer - she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael - he's a doctor.' 
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of  the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,  she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn  red in the face."  
"Yes," the class said.  
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" 
A little fellow shouted,  "Cause your feet ain't empty." 


        The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of  the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Play on Words

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, may be thickening in the near future.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the totally serious bummer.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they are hurled at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the apple out of which you just took a bite.


Hillbilly's Ten Commandments

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN):

1. Just one God
2. Honor yer Ma n' Pa
3. No tellin' tales or gossipin'
4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
5. Put nothin' before God
6. No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
7. No killin'
8. Watch yer mouth
9. Don't take what ain't yers
10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

"Information, Please"

Story somebody sent me several years ago:

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our
         neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The
         shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the
         telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

         Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an
         amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she
         did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the
         correct time.

         My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my
         mother was visiting a neighbor.

         Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a
         hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because
         there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my
         throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly,
         I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.
         Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.
         "Information, please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click
         or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

         "Information." "I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came
         readily enough now that I had an audience. "Isn't your mother home?" came
         the question. "Nobody's home but me," I blubbered. "Are you bleeding?" the
         voice asked. "No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it
         hurts." "Can you open the icebox?" she asked. I said I could.

         "Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the
         voice. After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked
         her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia >was. She
         helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had >caught in
         the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

         Then, there was the time Petty, our pet canary, died. I called, Information
         Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and
         then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I
         asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to
         all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"
         She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, always
         remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better.

         Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please." "Information,"
         said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?" I asked. All this took
         place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.

         When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed
         my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box
         back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat
         on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those
         childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and
         perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I
         appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent
         her time on a little boy.

         A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle.
         I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on
         the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I
         was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please."
         Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.

         "Information." I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you
         please tell me how to spell fix?" There was a long pause.
         Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by
         now." I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any
         idea how much you meant to me during that time?" I wonder," she said, "if
         you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used
         to look forward to your calls." I told her how often I had thought of her
         over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to
         visit my sister. "Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."

         Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered,
         "Information." I asked for Sally. "Are you a friend?" she said. "Yes, a very
         old friend," I answered. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said.
         "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick.
         She died five weeks ago." Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute,
         did you say your name was Paul?" "Yes." I answered. "Well, Sally left a
         message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to
         you."

         The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in." " He'll know
         what I mean." I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally
         meant.

         Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have
         you touched today? Why not pass this on? I just did.... Lifting you on
         eagle's wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for. Life is a

         journey ... not a guided tour.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Acronym for Faith

Forward.
Always.
I
Trust
Him.

Monday, January 18, 2016

Friday, January 01, 2016

"Earth's Angels," poem written by Naomi Lewis in 1938

This poem was written by Naomi Lewis, the day before she was killed while riding a bus that was run over by a train. Over 20 people were killed. The accident took place in South Jordan, Utah, on December 1, 1938.

(click to enlarge)

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Lone Cedar Tree

The famed "Lone Cedar Tree" of Salt Lake City, located at about 600 E. and 350 S., was reportedly the only real tree in the valley when the Pioneers arrived in 1847.




For Priesthood and Handicapped Use Only

Picture on restroom door at girls' camp:

Wednesday, December 02, 2015

Why So Many Mass Shootings?

Why have there been so many mass shootings over the past few years?

I wonder aloud for a response to that question:

  1. There are more mentally disturbed people nowadays. If that is true, why are there more? And why weren't mentally disturbed people committing so many mass shootings in the past?
  2. Guns are too readily available in this country. But people have had guns in this country for over 200 years. Why is it only now that there are so many shootings? How come there weren't shootings like this 50, 100, 150 years ago?
  3. People have more hatred than ever before. If that is so, why is there more hatred nowadays?
  4. People respect life and each other less nowadays. Is that true?
  5. People want attention and fame, even if they die for it.


What do you think? Why have there been so many mass shootings?

(This site tracks the amount of mass shootings for the year 2015.)

Deseret Industries


The concept of Deseret Industries is genius. I love an institution where thrift, economy, self-reliance, and environmental responsibility all go into effect. I feel wholesome when I purchase items from there, because I know that I am contributing to the employment of people who need some help, reducing the amount of products that are being produced in the world, and giving new life to an old object. You gotta love DI!

Tuesday, December 01, 2015

Saturday, November 28, 2015

A Woman Who Had 25 Children

While touring St. George during this week's Thanksgiving festivities, my brother and I happened upon the gravestone of a woman by the name of Turnbeaugh who gave birth to 25 children. This marker is in the Washington Cemetery. Wow!



Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Great Quote about Sharing Your Blessings with Others

"Go forth with a cheerful heart and be willing to use the blessings you have to help others."