Sunday, February 28, 2016

Clever Definitions

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.

Subdued ...like a guy, like, who works on one of those Attack Submarines.

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Church Signs


  1. This is a ch __ __ ch. What is missing?
  2. Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin Robbins.
  3. Where will you be sitting in eternity? Smoking or non-smoking?
  4. The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.
  5. Can’t sleep? Try counting your blessings.
  6. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
  7. You are not too bad to come in. You are not too good to stay out.
  8. Come in for a faith lift.
  9. Aspire to inspire before you expire.
  10. Under same management for over 2,000 years.
  11. Try Jesus. If you don’t like him, the devil will always take you back.

Children’s Comments

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a  whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a  whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. 
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”  
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"  
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". 

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom  of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. 
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."  
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what  God looks like."  
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to  treat our brothers and sisters?" 
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill.”

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,  "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"  
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do  something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."  
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?”

The children had all been photographed, and the  teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer - she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael - he's a doctor.' 
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of  the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer,  she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn  red in the face."  
"Yes," the class said.  
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" 
A little fellow shouted,  "Cause your feet ain't empty." 


        The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of  the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.  A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Play on Words

The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, may be thickening in the near future.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the totally serious bummer.

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they are hurled at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a grub in the apple out of which you just took a bite.


Hillbilly's Ten Commandments

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN):

1. Just one God
2. Honor yer Ma n' Pa
3. No tellin' tales or gossipin'
4. Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
5. Put nothin' before God
6. No foolin' around with another fellow's gal
7. No killin'
8. Watch yer mouth
9. Don't take what ain't yers
10. Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

"Information, Please"

Story somebody sent me several years ago:

When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our
         neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The
         shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the
         telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.

         Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an
         amazing person. Her name was "Information Please" and there was nothing she
         did not know. Information Please could supply anyone's number and the
         correct time.

         My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my
         mother was visiting a neighbor.

         Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a
         hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because
         there was no one home to give sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my
         throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly,
         I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing.
         Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear.
         "Information, please" I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click
         or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

         "Information." "I hurt my finger..." I wailed into the phone, the tears came
         readily enough now that I had an audience. "Isn't your mother home?" came
         the question. "Nobody's home but me," I blubbered. "Are you bleeding?" the
         voice asked. "No," I replied. "I hit my finger with the hammer and it
         hurts." "Can you open the icebox?" she asked. I said I could.

         "Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger," said the
         voice. After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked
         her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia >was. She
         helped me with my math. She told me my pet chipmunk that I had >caught in
         the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

         Then, there was the time Petty, our pet canary, died. I called, Information
         Please," and told her the sad story. She listened, and
         then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I
         asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to
         all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"
         She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "Paul, always
         remember that there are other worlds to sing in." Somehow I felt better.

         Another day I was on the telephone, "Information Please." "Information,"
         said in the now familiar voice. "How do I spell fix?" I asked. All this took
         place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest.

         When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed
         my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box
         back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat
         on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those
         childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and
         perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I
         appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent
         her time on a little boy.

         A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle.
         I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on
         the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I
         was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, "Information Please."
         Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well.

         "Information." I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you
         please tell me how to spell fix?" There was a long pause.
         Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must have healed by
         now." I laughed, "So it's really you," I said. "I wonder if you have any
         idea how much you meant to me during that time?" I wonder," she said, "if
         you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used
         to look forward to your calls." I told her how often I had thought of her
         over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to
         visit my sister. "Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."

         Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered,
         "Information." I asked for Sally. "Are you a friend?" she said. "Yes, a very
         old friend," I answered. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said.
         "Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick.
         She died five weeks ago." Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute,
         did you say your name was Paul?" "Yes." I answered. "Well, Sally left a
         message for you. She wrote it down in case you called. Let me read it to
         you."

         The note said, "Tell him there are other worlds to sing in." " He'll know
         what I mean." I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally
         meant.

         Never underestimate the impression you may make on others. Whose life have
         you touched today? Why not pass this on? I just did.... Lifting you on
         eagle's wings. May you find the joy and peace you long for. Life is a

         journey ... not a guided tour.