Reply to BYU Magazine article "Why Women Don't Speak"

A woman I know sent the following letter to the BYU Magazine editors on June 14, 2020:

 

I found the recent article Why Women Don’t Speak distasteful. It is unfair to men and laced with condescending inferences about women.  It sheds a very negative light on women in circles where they find themselves outnumbered.  Women are portrayed as helpless whiners who pout and throw tantrums to be heard.  Men are characterized as insensitive and deaf, hoping women will be quiet and not make any demands.

I don’t deny that there are cases in which women are not heard in academic, religious and political circles. However, I do not believe this problem is as pervasive as the article implies.  I have been blessed that my experiences as a woman in male-dominated arenas does not come close to the way you have described it.

I have been in multiple Church auxiliary leadership positions for over 30 years.  I graduated from BYU where most of my professors were men.  I served a full-time proselyting mission where there were 30 sisters and 120 elders.  I divorced a man with long-term substance abuse.  I have been a full-time single working mother while simultaneously obtaining my Master’s degree.  I worked for more than 16 years in the Church’s Employment and Welfare department.  I have been a member in many Church councils and leadership meetings.  I have been a participant in pilots, seminars, conferences, workshops, and a host of work organizations where I was one of only a few females among men.  I can’t recall a time when I was marginalized, interrupted or brushed off in those settings.  Men have not treated me that way.  In Church, school, and work, men have sincerely gone out of their way to include and encourage my participation.  They have been respectful and kind and have given me more than my share of opportunities to participate and add value to the common cause.   

 

The article paints a picture of a disgruntled woman who is put-off and put-out when she believes men aren’t listening to or endorsing her ideas. It continues to promote the stale and antiquated argument that after all these decades women are still suppressed, sidelined, and silenced. “The problem, in part, could be you,” says Jessica R. Preece.  That is correct!  Women have placed the responsibility of speaking up on men, but women should take responsibility and not blame men for their fear or lack of speaking. They seem to blame men for not hearing them as the reason why women don’t have a voice at the table.  Nowhere in the article was the word responsibility used. Women have a responsibility to speak up and not passively sit waiting for men to “Protect—even solicit—the speech of women in the room.” Men may fear women saying we do not want “artificial….politeness.” Women want men to solicit their input, but not come across as solicitous. 

How might a man respond to this article?  How does he feel?  Men are compelled to be aware of and sensitive to how women feel, but the same consideration is not given to them.  Women interrupt incessantly--often not even hearing them.  On dozens of occasions I have heard women say, “Men just don’t get it.”  Women can get away with rude statements like that, but if a man said “Women just don’t get it” he would be called out as sexist and likely removed from the table and accused of harassment as well.

I do not at all doubt that some women have been marginalized and mistreated in Church settings—just as some men have been marginalized and mistreated.  That is a shame, but the greater shame is in the woman who passes the burden of responsibility and inclusion to men.