Puns o' Mine

I was listening to some birds chatter about something up in the rafters. I looked up, then it hit me -- eavesdropping.
 
I lament how difficult it is to wake up early. I guess you could say I'm in mo(u)rning.

The option of buying citrus drinks on line has been e-lemonade-d.

I would like to do a promotional campaign for counselors on the brims of golf hats. I would call them ad-visors.

I wouldn't pay money to meet a six-legged bug that formerly rode in a spaceship around Earth, because I heard it costs an ex-orbit-ant amount.

I passed a mile marker that said I was almost to my destination. That's a good sign.

I have categorized all of the evils of the world, but I don’t want to give you the sorted details.

Forgetful Hawaiian bees have Pollen-esia.

When I heard that hardly any snow fell, I was flurrious.

 

Please don't bitterly criticize me for buying a record player. I don't need your vitriol-a.

As styles have changed, so has my supply of pants with creases on the front de-pleated significantly.

Installing mufflers all day sounds exhausting.

Bill Clinton's vice president couldn't dance well because he didn't have algorithm.

Why would I want to buy stuff from a guy standing under an open-air tent? That would be so bazaar.

My cop friend wants a sweater for his birthday. I think I'll get him a pull-over.

Would you like to discuss Mexican food, or is there something else you'd like to taco bout?

I am glad that people of the Islamic influence do not sew cotton fabric apparatuses of plain weave to prevent dogs' mouths from biting, because that would be Muslim muzzlin' muslin.

If my last name were Name, I would not name my son Nicholas, because... what would we call him for short?

I am incensed by the amount of people who use fragrant smoke in their home.

If I sculpted a large brain made out of stone, would that be monu-mental?

I was going to study about the moon but I totally spaced it.

If my last name were Oxyribonucleicacid, I would not name one of my children Dee.

I wouldn't phone broccoli, but I would cauliflower.

Did you get a chance to see the trailer for the new Winnebago movie?

If my last name were Frapples, I would never name one of my sons Bob.

If you accidentally sit on your ice cream, is that a "dairy err"?

If you ironed your underwear in front of news reporters, I would call it a press briefing.

If the yeti were a gourd, I would call him Sa-squash.

The controversial issue of hitting the cable when a tightrope walker is on it really struck a cord with me.

I can't stand comma splices, how do you feel about them?

I heard that I can become a tightrope walker through an on-line course.

Currently I'm learning about electrical flow.

I asked the cashier a question, but I don't think it registered.

I made a clock out of goose feathers, because I needed some down time.

If all the male sheep died, what would be the ramifications? Will ewe tell me?

If the Grim Reaper fell and hit his head, what would be the reapercussion?

I think the North and the South should be Civil with each other, General Lee speaking.

If my last name were Vation, I would never name my daughter Ella.

If I had relatives whose last name was Munch, I would not call them Munch kin.

If my last name were Forth, I would never name my daughter Sally.

If my father had an endearing sister named Histamine, I would refuse to call her Auntie Histamine.

If my last name were Rowave, I would never name one of my sons Mike.

If my last name were Molive, I would never name my son Paul.

I only have a cursory understanding of swearing.

After all I've learned about Chinese restaurants I'm still not sure what the takeaway is.

If my last name were Droid I would never name one of my daughters Anne.

Labyrinths are amazing.

The grumpy sailor lacks training in mooring his ship. I think he needs anchor management.

When your car wheels wear down, is it time for retirement?

You'll find the documentary on how they make Levi's jeans absolutely riveting.

I'd like to give a big shout-out to all those who are hard of hearing.

I have been bombarded with news stories about fireworks in Utah. Some people think it's lit, but I am ready to explode.

I can't stand the idea of not having toes. I guess that makes me lack-toes intolerant.

This whole medical marijuana issue is going to pot. Weed be better off to let the courts decide.

I want to eliminate wrinkles from my clothes. How iron-ic.

Try to say "orthodontia" with your mouth wide open.

What do people on ranches wear? Ranch dressing?

If I ever go back in time and I'm a teenager in our LDS ward and our family moves to Omaha, I'm going to attend the Mutual of Omaha.

I hate it when I get a hole in my sock, darn it.

Guess what Beijing used to be called (no Peking).

I just want to say hats off to the people who don't wear hats.

I just want to give kudos to the people who invented Kudos.