1996
I Am Nothing When I Waver
January 29, 1996
I am nothing when I waver;
I am real when I'm relaxed;
I am strength when I'm relaxed,
For then I can move mountains.
The faith will surge like lava,
The tiny rocks will melt,
The gelatin spine will stiffen hard,
The merciful mind will remember things felt, things learned;
So sleep swaddled and confident ---
Bring your friend to tomorrow's day: Jesus Christ.
There Was a Time (When Love Was Bleeding)
February 10, 1996
There was a time when love was bleeding,
When heart's desires were exceeding;
Now I spend my leisure reading.
There was a time when heart was yearning,
When love's new flame was kindled, burning;
But lessons well learned need little re-learning.
There was a hope that burned my soul,
Today that hope is charred to coal;
I'll sit and have to count the toll,
Perhaps tomorrow re-build the goal.
Here I come.
My Moderation Starts to Melt
February 25, 1996
My moderation starts to melt,
As I flashback to how I felt;
And though with her I've been three times,
My hurried heart reads 'tween the lines,
And hopes for rocks amid the sand,
And thinks to harbor in her land,
To moor with her, and drop my anchor,
Gaze and praise and finally thank her.
So if I breathe my heart out on this sheet,
And pause, in patience, till complete,
Then maybe I'll breathe easy when I'm by her,
And, as balanced, come across for sure;
For to come across as balanced exacts hope ---
The straight and narrow path along the rope
That leads from one to oneness for the fixed
Is crossed by precept-stepping whilst betwixt.
And eye'll lock on with rod of iron, balance pole,
And fix my gaze opposite: tightrope goal.
And I'll hold tight to iron rod,
And (let it snow) I'll think of God,
And untap good borne in my soul,
And leave again the hopeless hole,
And look for love appropriate;
Ignore the scar, bind up the cut.
I cannot float alone....
Now Jesus Was a God
March 1996
Now Jesus was a God, then a Man,
Then and now forever more a God;
And Jesus built the Earth, filled the Plan,
Came through birth, balms with mercy after justice rod;
And Jesus led the way, made the way, is the Way;
Each circumstance to fairly weigh and give repay.
Inhib-Oceans
March 3, 1996
I am tired of the sadness, of the boredom, of the sighs,
Of the lying perpetrated through deceitful, lying eyes.
I am tired being lonely, indirect, and undirected;
I would look you in the eyes but I feel so unprotected;
And I want to gaze at people with a frank and honest look,
And commune with other people, 'stead of shrieking in this book.
I need to answer truthful to the people who stand near,
And tell them of my love (or anger), thus dispel my fear.
At times I'm anxiatic to reveal my true emotion,
It oft is buried 'neath a tide of social inhib-ocean;
My seabed, though, 's a loving man, of tenderness and strength,
Compassionate, opinionated, yet often river-banked.
Conclusion to this writing is to bare my soul despite
All the fears and inhibitions that extinguish my life's flight.
Salvation Is a Soul-Cut Word
March 9, 1996
And salvation is a soul-cut word,
Curing, drying, relaying what's heard,
From God to man, then man to God;
He line-upon-lines us with Godly prod,
Re-aligning, de-maligning, showing, shining,
Unearthing, hoping, re-combining;
We become what He now is
From clay deformed to Master('s)piece---
And I am willing to be pounded, blue, suffocated, too,
For 'cause to bring about some Heaven-good.
Floating Bird
March 10, 1996
And so this girl walked in --- a woman rather ---
She knew my door and how to talk,
To make that social door unlock;
Unannounced and barely bid,
This floating bird flew to my head;
It fluttered there, mussed up me hair,
Crowded all my precious air,
And didn't seem to even care;
But she gave me love.
So, I let her stay.
She nested there atop my head,
And filled my mind with what she said;
I listened, grew, forgot my dread
(So fatalistic) to be dead.
She raised me with her pair of wings,
I couldn't help but leave my things,
And float to her....
(Inspired by a woman, and also the last verse of Sting's "The Lazarus Heart" (from his album Nothing Like the Sun), which makes me think of birds of creativity and hope flapping about my head and refusing to let me fall into despair.)
I Miss You, Kate
March 10, 1996
"I miss you, Kate," was all he said,
"And love you too," beneath his breath.
But this unheard, Kate backed away,
And spun, and ran to weep among the thicket.
(Inspired by Sting's "I Miss You, Kate," an instrumental from his "All This Time" single.)
God Will Conquer Me, With Me Gladly Accepting
March 27, 1996
God will conquer me, with me gladly accepting ---
For only God can mold my clay,
Exalt me on my knees,
And heaven-send me with the keys;
So destroy me, God, if Thou please,
For Thy destruction is instruction,
To help my carnal eyes to see,
And my spirit eyes to seize.
Will the Marriage Hold the Soul?
April 10, 1996
For will the marriage hold the soul,
And will the ex-love lost betray the goal?
And will I find what slithered through my fingers?
The pain of losts and ifs and whys so lingers.
Hear me when I speak ---
Help me when I'm weak ---
Hold me when I shriek ---
For rhythms only last so long,
And caverned souls can echo song;
But why be hollow on this hill?
When hermit-hope aspires love-lot fill.
This Perimeter That I Call My Home
April 10, 1996
Out here in this perimeter that I call my home
(A no-holds-barred unreasoned zone),
Where as a pauper, yet on throne,
I reign within the brain I own;
I will control myself and nothing more,
And let the Holy Ghost control the score;
For, when abandoned, I lose grace,
And, unprepared, will lose the race;
For God sees me, and lets me mindlessly run to learn my lesson ---
Hopefully I'll commit no crime
(Absolutely hold myself for heavenly inclusion).
Let Words of Worth Flow Out of Me
September 22, 1996
Let words of worth flow out of me
Like giant green apples, or nuggets of knowledge;
New apples, ready to be picked
Carving Time
September 25, 1996
Carving time: getting out the pen and rasping it against a hard mind to sharpen it up
The earthworms of existence begin
Pulling out the drawers of thought
Pen-word pen heard across the planet
Age-old mull,
Sit-time breathe-spine lull
(Same old bull?),
Choice thinking
Delicate moments
My Heart Is Pumping
October 21, 1996
My heart is pumping, I feel confused;
Grasping in my brain
To label nameless pain
A melancholy bosom can't explain
Its throb, its grief, its pain ---
Perplexed, yet falling, falling, once again,
A lonesome cloud dispatching rain,
Forming one gigantic, muddy vein,
A downhill, dirtspill, unprosperous strain;
My chest heaves forward like a train,
Mind-bent descent to valley plain;
This can't be love! For it's insane!
It must be elsewhere --- not her --- not here --- somewhere far ---
My heat stops pumping; I feel abused.
The Boy Cries, the Father Comforts
October 21, 1996
The boy cries:
"Why can't I train my heart?
No matter how I practice, eventually apart
My heart is blown like brittle glass, and frozen wind can penetrate
The tender interior of an impulsive soul."
The Father comforts:
"So sleep tonight, my loving child,
You unburdened your bosom and gave it rein;
Now sleep, recuperate, tomorrow rise again,
With healing in your wings;
Your troubles will shed like scales, or a small blanket off a warm shoulder;
Thank God for who you are and what you have and sleep in peace,
Let peace speak to your heart;
You weren't meant to suffer long,
So unburden, live, learn, release
The swellings, or your heart will go infected;
Release and renew through peaceful sleep,
Where you shall rest protected.
Sleep, young loved son."
The World Seems Mostly Dirty
October 22, 1996
Everywhere I turn to, the world seems mostly dirty ---
Parents under eighteen, singles over thirty;
People treading several paths,
Double-minded world en masse ---
A billion salesmen lunge at me, contriving incredulity if I don't indulge in their binge;
All methods of mating and arousing are exposed and debased unscrupulously, thrust on screen, glossy page, catchy lyric, and school bathroom wall;
People running red lights, hit-and-runs, shameless liars, parents disowning children, children disrespecting parents, outrageous fees for simple services, new exercise machines, lose-weight-fast-and-eat-what-you-want diets, get-rich-quick schemes, padlocks and security systems everywhere, every person partitioned in a private apartment, nobody gets to know anybody anymore, men and women lawlessly giving free rein to their loins with not a consideration for consequence, increased swearing, increased disrespect, people cursing God and dying, pseudo-self-esteem, violence of every conceivable medium, flaming sarcasm, loss of God, loss of country, loss of remembrance for the past, loss of identity, loss of responsibility, loss of tradition, loss of family, loss of wisdom, murder, everyone screaming to be heard.... (the list could go on)
And yet....
Please let there be hope anyway. There are still good people out there, and good parents, and God-fearers. I've seen them and met them. Please let there be hope. Please let there be trying.
Better to Burn But Just My Feet
October 31, 1996
What if I want to remember,
Even face, even shoulder,
The troubles that I caused?
(The responsible soul will never be lost,
If you but plead the Mercy clause)
I will walk this bed of penitent coals,
And meet Christ on the other side;
Better to burn but just my feet,
Instead of losing all to heat;
Instead of losing all to heat,
Better to burn but just my feet,
Than find my soul has died
Death with the dead, unrepentant souls.
And these coals are but just a lifetime
--- No more ---
Then I will bathe in Cristo-balm,
All troubles washed away;
This troubled soul will then be calm,
And Satan kept at bay.
So burn me if to purge me,
With Holy Ghost, with fire;
And cleanse me from the inside out,
To bridle my desire.
Amusements
November 4, 1996
God has seen me run away,
I run, then come again;
It's so hard to stay, to hold in patience,
When the world, like a merry-go-round,
With its flashing lights and screaming colors,
Begs me come go for a ride;
Says, "Boy, come go for just one ride!"
And so I leap, forgetting Father, thrusting me from Him;
I catch a pony by the reins,
And ride with bridled passion.
Colors flying, going by,
Vistas on the blurry move;
Father, flitting, catch my eye,
And bid me back unto Thy love.
For this world is merry-go-turning,
Screaming delights that whisk me by;
But soon, too fast, the lights low-burning,
Colors blurring, fading, experiences jading,
Amusement park thrills begin to die,
And I am left with nothing valued;
Money spent, wisdom drained,
Hardly aught but quick-rush gained.
Remembering Father, I turn to Him,
Tears welling in our eyes;
He waited long for my return, patiently, on the side.
He silently takes my hand, and slowly we walk home, in the twilight, Father and son.
The Sun sets on the repentant boy, the day's labors over.
I'm a Man
November 6, 1996
I'm a man;
I'd rather fold it firmly than iron it;
I eat out of cans and bowls and microwaves;
I sometimes don't make my bed;
Yeah, I do burp, but I say "excuse me;"
I lick my knife;
My sleeve is sometimes a Kleenex, or a napkin;
I do not have that hand-washing phobia;
I enjoy a good game on TV occasionally;
I don't claim to understand women completely;
Sometimes I need time in my cave (but I'm not a caveman);
I'm not into crafts or color themes;
I generally prefer comfort over fashion;
I express my frustrations and then get over it;
I like to open the door for ladies, and treat them with respect;
I clean things only when they're dirty;
Yes, I am sensitive, and I do not appreciate when females treat me as if I am uneducated, incompetent, and mannerless;
I hate mind games, especially in romance relationships;
I hate male bashing, and I hate female bashing;
I don't own a gun;
I like to stay physically fit and am attracted to women who do the same;
If I don't like it or don't agree with it, I'll say so;
I don't like to falsify my concern or emotions;
I love to laugh (long and loud and clear);
If I say "I don't want to talk about it," it means I don't want to talk about it;
I don't want you to change me;
I'm stable, honest, and romantic;
I sometimes leave the lid up.
I'm a man.
The Great and Terrible Coming of Jesus Christ
November 9, 1996
I sat on a rock, and waited for the heavens to part.
Then Christ came down, or Lightning,
Angels screaming, white horses pumping,
The veil rent as well as many hearts;
His semblance shown, a waxen ball of shining glory;
The Man behind the cloud was God,
And all eyes now looked up to Him.
Flight was useless, time expired, all knees bent, my tongue confessed,
My heart throbbed wildly, my sin melted away, I yearned for his embrace ---
He was dressed like a King;
And all I could do was stare and weep, grateful for the Inspiration;
All petty and trivial desires shriveled up;
There was only one desire now: to be worthy of the Lamb!
When I Envision God
November 14, 1996
I close my eyes and think of God,
And envision a loving, white beard;
Stability, calmness, bridled power, wisdom,
Comprehension to the core of the earth;
Discipline, justice, eternal laws to obey,
Dwelling in a kingdom-sphere, transcending our decaying laws,
Able to wholly comprehend, Universe Traveler end to end,
Power, light, space, no time, communication with the elements,
Mind connected and fully employed.
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